A Broken Piece

I read an article called ‘Broken People’  today and I thought how appropriate – that kind of sounded like me. Now, I have always been rather cheerful in my posts but I cannot denied that there is part of me stayed broken inside.

Basically the article stated that when someone went through something terrible, the impact is enormous but he did not realised the implications or just shrugged it off. He lived through life as seemingly normal and functional human being but with a broken piece inside. The article also stated that we shrugged off life’s trial and tribulation pretending they have made us stronger, while in actual fact masking their inner turmoil with routine work and hectic lifestyles.

I am living the best I can with the emotional turmoil that I am facing. Life is bittersweet. Unfortunately it is more bitter at this point of my life. Still, I have a lot to be thankful for. I drawed a lot from my inner strength. No matter what positions we are in, there is someone who is facing an even greater struggle. Someone that we do not know or could be someone in our vicinity – if only we opened our hearts and minds.

Being thankful for what we have

Life is tough. There’s no doubt about it. We sailed through obstacles and heartaches in our journey through life. But if we take the time to put things into perspective, there is always something to appreciate and give thanks for. There is a time in life whereby we should slow down and comtemplate where we are heading.

Ever since my beloved dad passed on five years ago from cancer, life has not been the same. He was my confidante, my source of strength and always a pillar of support. Ever the optimistic person, he can see the positive side of things. Life always seemed better with him around. Even as a child, I feared for the day when he leaves us. And of course, the day came sooner than expected. I might already have been a mother myself but still, nothing prepared me for the inevitable. Completely lost, devastated, alone, wondering how I am going to face life without my dad from then on..

My children are my balm in my darkest hour. They soothes my pain with their endearing ways and innocent joy. Naturally with joy there are also heartaches. Nothing pains me more than when my younger son wakes up crying in pain due to his arthritis (JRA/JIA). On the bright side, his juvenile arthritis is under control by medication so far.

My heart skipped a beat when my elder boy asked me with a brave but shaky voice whether I loved his brother more than him. How could he have such an idea? Perhaps I behaved more tenderly towards my younger boy because he is inflicted by pain daily. His pain is just a matter of severity. My words stumbled as I hasten to assure and comfort my elder boy that I loved them both wholeheartedly. I explained that the attention I gave to his brother is due to his condition and luckily he was very brave during the regular trips to hospital. My elder boy seem reassured by my words. I am just so thankful to have my boys in my life. They are loving and affectionate but boisterous when playing together despite the arthritis.

Recently I went to have a cancer test. Luckily it was not as painful as I expected. Even though I am not a Christian yet but my first thought was Praise The Lord, when the test cleared me of that particular cancer. I just felt so relieved and was like given a new lease of life. I just felt a new appreciation for life. I enjoyed more with my boys as I wanted to give them happy memories during their childhood days.

All in all, we should not take the blessings given to us for granted. The satisfaction derived from the pursuit of material things will not last long. Self-indulgence and satisfying own needs first are very common nowadays. It is so easy to lose our focus. I just prayed I have the strength to stay on course.

I do have my own insecurities and inadequacies but all in all, I am thankful for what I have. Just live the best we can for our time on earth will pass by.

A Typical Sunday

Sunday morning began today with the sun shining brightly. After a hurried breakfast, we rushed to church. As with our usual routine, together with my mom after the sermon ended, we went to UO Shopping Mall. My boys were still hungry and so we headed to the Food Court. Laksa for my younger boy and I headed to buy two plates of Nasi Lemak for me and my elder boy. Unfortunately it was sold out. In the end, it was laksa for all of us.

Later my mom emerged with two huge plastic bags filled with groceries.  After sending her back, we rushed back to my in-laws for my boys to take their bath and lunch. Then it was tuition time for my elder boy. Next we headed to a shopping complex which was celebrating its anniversary. Great buys galore! Bought some jeans and T-Shirts for my boys. Sigh! None for me. These are tough times we are living. Cannot afford to splurge on myself. Sob!

Time to fetch my elder boy from his tuition centre. The boys were excited because I detoured to another road instead of heading back home. Heard there was a Science and Technology Exhibition at the Stadium. So, off we went. We could barely made it past the entrance without being cornered by sales people. Saw a rocket ship thingy whereby you had to pay to sit in it for two minutes. We learnt a lot about our local animals, bird species and there were several species of mock rafflesia flowers. Next, we went to another booth whereby there was a giant Aedes mosquito on display. There were some larvaes swimming in a bowl. Both boys eagerly looked into the microscope to view in detail. Younger boy’s comment was a ‘Yuck’. Elder boy was cool about it.

There were a lot of other exhibition booths. How about a robot to clean your floor? Cute little round thing which costs four figure. No problem if you are rich. We had enough and conveniently there was an ice cream vendor on our way out. Naturally we had ice cream being such a hot day and well, I had no choice actually.

By now, it was late afternoon. Time to head back home and relax in the sanctuary of our home. Aah, it was sheer bliss when we stepped into our house because it was so cooling and inviting. What a glorious day!

Just A Happy Day!

How do we define happiness? Is it a state of our mind? Happiness is being in control of our circumstances no matter how down the situation is rather than letting it control ourselves. Of course, that’s easier said than done. I have had my share of unhappiness. Days when I felt so down that I wished I was not born. Thank goodness, moments let this passed by later. If not, I think I would have to see a shrink, I meant psychiatrist. Depression affected a lot of people and it can hit them unknowingly.

The sun shone brightly today. A glorious day to go to church. Met my mom there. As usual, I could hardly understand what the pastor was preaching because of communication barrier. Wish my mom went to the English session. My sons refused to go to Sunday School for the same reason. They have difficulty understanding the language which is actually Mandarin. Well, we do loved the church gospel songs. We had refreshments after that and mingle around with other members.

After that, we went to a shopping complex. Food, food, food is all we ever bought each time. It’s a wonder all of us are so skinny. I wished we can put on some weight. Sometimes, I think what is wrong with us. It is no fun when I get commented on this each time an acquantaince saw me after a while.

My sons played some games at the Play Station and were really happy. Even my younger boy was very active with no complaints of his joints. Later in the car, he told me he wanted to paint a picture as a surprise for me for taking them to play. And that he did with his hands and shirt full of colourful paints. He drew a picture of him and wrote his name, with some flowers and a sun in the background. What a dear! He can drive me around the bend and yet he can be so thoughtful at times. My elder boy wrote on a paper to thank me for taking them out. I kind of suspected that he did that only because his younger brother painted a picture and he did not want to be left out!

All in all, it was a happy and carefree day. Sometimes children can be so exasperating but you would truly missed them if they were not around. They soothe my wounds when the chips are down. I loved them to bits…

My little fella has JIA

It began with an unexplained pain in his right knee one day. I scrutinised for sign of bruises and cuts. Having found none, I interrogated my younger boy as to what happened and whether he fell down. All he could gave me was a puzzled look. Well, he’s only six after all.

Thus began our trips to the doctors, specialists, and so forth. A bone specialist said it is growing pains that afflicted some children. Whereas a doctor specialising in eastern medicine said he had child arthritis. We could not believe our ears. Arthritis at his age! After countless medicine and trips back to his paedrician who confirmed after numerous blood tests and X-Rays that he did have arthritis.

Since our state does not have an expert on child rheumatism, we had to go to a hospital in another state. The good doctor explained that he had Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis (JRA) or Juvenile Idiopahtic Arthritis (JIA). The causes are not known but research indicated that it is an autoimmune disease. In short, this means that the white blood cells lose the ability to differentiate the body’s own healthy cells and harmful invaders. Thus instead of protecting the body, it releases harmful chemicals that can damage harmful tissues and cause inflammation.

And now my little boy has inflammation in his right knee and left wrist. He has Oligoarticular JIA which meant four or fewer joints affected. Since oral medication proved futile, he had medication injected directed into his joints by the outstation Consultant Paedrician Rheumatologist. So, far it has been five days since the injections. He had to be sedated before undergoing the treatment. He did not cry even once but just asked in a shaky voice with a huge tear squeezing out from his eye whether it will end soon. My own will nearly gave way upon seeing him lying so fragile on the hospital bed and asking me with such a trusting voice.

I know people always say God works in mysterious ways but I wonder why some children have to go through so much pain. There is a reason probably but so far I have not found it yet…

My brave little boy

After sleepless nights finally the day came to go to outstation for my young boy’s treatment at the hospital. The short medical term for what he is suffering from is called JIA. This juvenile arthritis only affected children under the age of 16. After getting slightly lost, an uncle came to the rescue and took us to the correct place. Wouldn’t you know the good doctor was on MC that day! But luckily she has briefted her capable replacement and boy, was she thorough! She took several pages of notes and I really had to crack my head trying to remember all that history.

We were pretty worried as my son had to be admitted to the H1N1 ward as the doctor was attached to that ward. Luckily there were only suspected cases not actual ones. When I had to left my young boy in the room because they had to prepare his wrist for the insertion of the drip and also to take a blood sample, he was really worried. Luckily he did not cry as I had assured him that I would be waiting just right outside the door. The doctor and nurses praised him as he did not raise even a peep. For a young child he has been subjected to numerous jabs and so far he did not cry once. I am rather proud of him because he did not made me worried about this.

His steely will showed a slight crack later however when he was lying on the hospital bed. After being examined and prodded, he enquired in a trembling voice whether the next course of action will be the last and a large teardrop squeezed out of his eye..I thought my heart will break. Until now, he did not even cry even though he is terrified in the strange surroundings and new treatment. I comforted him by telling after taking some medicine which will make him sleep, the doctor will put the medicine into his wrist joint and knee. I assured him that he will be sleeping while the treatment being done. So, no pain will be felt.

Finally he was taken to the treatment room and I was by his side until he nodded off. I had to leave the room while the ttreatment was being done. The procedure itself was pretty fast and later he was wheeled back to his ward. I waited for him to wake up and had some anxious moments when the red alert went off. The nurse explained that the pulse rate set was for babies, so even though out of range, no need to worry. Whew! He woke up two and a half hours later very drowsy. I had to coax him to take a sip of water. I was happy when he wanted to take some Milo and some rice. If the food stayed in his stomach, the doctor said he can be discharged. He was scared to eat as he was feeling drowsy which is a new experience for him as this is the first time he had been sedated.

Thank God even though there were some anxious moments like nearly losing the way on the way to the hospital and reaching slightly late, I must say kudos to the doctor and nurses. There were a few very brave moms in the same ward whose child is seriously ill but still showed concern for me and my son. I really admire their courage and my heart goes out to the mom whose elder boy has passed away and now her younger son has the same life-threatening illness.

May God bless all the moms in the world and I am so happy the journey was safe and my boy went through the treatment smoothly. He still has to go for a follow up visit next month and I prayed he will get well soon.

A Mom’s Worry

11th Sep. 2009, Friday was another day for a follow-up visit to the doctor to assess my younger son’s joint inflamation condition. After countless medication and trips, his joints are still swollen. Finally the good doctor recommended a Consultant Paedrician Rheumatoid in another state. It is not a common childhood disease and there is no such specialist in my state. She managed to get an appointment fast and I really appreciated it because that Consultant is attached to a Government Hospital. Normal people like us who used the normal channel will probably be lucky if we can get an appointment few months later. Luckily my son’s appointment is next week.

This is actually a slow and crippling disease whereby his quality of life will be compromised should his condition continued. Due to pain, he is not moving much the affected joints. This will cause the muscle to shrink and to waste away. Furthermore nutrients that he consumed will be absorbed by other parts of the body and not the affected joints. As he is at a tender age now, the effects looked not serious but as he grows, his mobility will be restricted. That is why others who saw my son might not viewed it as a serious condition because he can still play like other boys but only I can see the difference. I just had to take some action so that he will be spared of the pain later on. He will start to wonder why other children will be able to handle physical exercises so effortlessly whereas he is unable too.

My boy has to be sedated and admitted to the hospital because of his young age. The medicine will be injected into both of his affected joints. I am naturally apprehensive and extremely worried. I can barely sleep at night. The days and nights are stretched so long ahead of me. I just feel mentally and emotionally exhausted. I wish everything is over fast and that all goes well.

I pray that my son will be well after this treatment.

Happy Day is a Holiday

Boys always looked forward to holidays and today was no exception. They are used to my routine. We woke up when it’s time to wake up – no restriction. Today was around 8.20am. I cooked noodles for them and then gave them revision to do. They practically accepted this practise because I have trained them from young this way of life. Once you have finished your work, you can play, watch TV or basically do whatever you want! Studies come first…So, there are no complaints when it comes to school work because they know they can relax and enjoy afterwards.

Later we went to Tesco (can’t believe it. I gave them choices and they still choosed Tesco and we go there quite often with my mom). Naturally they invaded the Toys Section. As usual, younger son choosed the computer and insisted that I buy for him if he does well in his studies. Elder boy scooted off to the Books Section. It was easy to leave without buying anything because from young, I made it a practise not to buy toys simply whenever they wanted. They got to work for it. So, off we went to the Supermarket Section.

Every trip there will end up with grocery shopping. It’s always food, food, food and we are skinny people despite walloping tons of food. Thanks to food genes from my ancestors. Lunch time saw us heading to Stadium. Elder boy had a hankering for fried chicken rice and younger boy wanted laksa. Unfortunately none was sold there. So, we moved on to Rainbow as in our original plan. However due to Puasa time, few stalls were opened. However there is a Kopitiam there. In the end, we had curry chicken rice, sweet and sour chicken with sausage rice and Tom Yam Udon.

Last stop was Parkson. I must add that I think people are not so terrified of H1N1 as I hardly saw anybody wore masks. Actually the masks sold are not very protective. It is actually more for people who had flu symtoms to wear so that they will not infect the public when they go out. Even though it was sale time but people are just window-shopping. The cashiers were pretty idle.

Time to head back home. Bathtime and then it was relax time..Aahh! Bliss until tomorrow when office beckons…

A child’s reluctant visit to the hospital

Well, actually, the title is a wee bit misleading because my son was actually looking forward to me coming back from office to pick him to the doctor. That was because in the next moment, he was hopefully asking me whether we will be going to other outings after the hospital trip. Who would have thought that a simple follow-up visit to the doctor would end up with us spending three hours there!

For the benefit of all, my son has inflammation in his joints. He seemed like any other young boy playing and running about when he is not inflicted by the pain. Praise God that usually he is fine. Occasionally he suffered in the morning when he have difficulty getting out from the pain. I have to carry him to the toilet and then give him his medication and then rub ointment on the affected joints. There were days he had to skipped school. Worst, before it was just one leg and now it is one hand which meant two afflicted joints.

This follow-up visit was actually one of the many visited. Unexpectedly the doctor ordered an X-Ray and it showed demineralization of bones which means there was some indication of thinning. I really do not understand how a young child can have such a medical condition. And he has a long journey to go through life.

Hopefully with the change of medication he will showed some improvement. Anyway, next week again another follow-up visit to the doctor. We have already spent a lot of time waiting from seeing the doctor to getting the lab results and medication. I shudder to think have to go through this again next week. But in my quest for my son to get well, I really do not have any choice. Nobody said being a mom was easy…

My Son Missed His Grandad

We were driving home from my mom’s place when all of a sudden my elder boy aged 8 years blurted that he missed my dad who has gone to Heaven five years ago. I told him I missed your grandad very much too. 

Years back when he was still a young child, he was very perceptive and sensitve. As my dad left us, he started to worry and wonder about me – whether I will leave him too, how much he will missed me, what will he do. As he tried to convey in his then limited vocabulary to me, I tried to conceal my tears even though my voice shook. I assured him that I will still be around for years to come. God knows how much I hope it will be true because I am to my children as they are to me the foundation of my life. Without my children, life is meaningless.

I told my son how much his grandad loved him. He always took my son wherever he went – whether to the park, the clinic (my dad worked part-time), the pet shop, the market or to the bridge so that my son can watched the fishes swimmed in the river. My younger son missed out on all these precious memories because he was too young when my dad passed on.

A daughter never ceased to miss her dad even as the years rolled by. Never a day passed by without me having a quiet moment thinking of my dad even if it is just a brief one. I am truly lucky to have such a caring dad until I became a mom myself. A dad who placed his family above self. A true gem of a dad…

I read this recently “Separation is the law of earth – reunion is the law of heaven”. This will served to comfort those who lost their loved ones. While still reminiscing about my dad during the drive home, my younger son brought us back to earth by declaring “Are we going to talk about families during the whole journey?”. Well, that kind of broke the spell and we were back on our usual self – talking and chit-chatting about whatever that comes to mind…