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Archive for August, 2009

We were driving home from my mom’s place when all of a sudden my elder boy aged 8 years blurted that he missed my dad who has gone to Heaven five years ago. I told him I missed your grandad very much too. 

Years back when he was still a young child, he was very perceptive and sensitve. As my dad left us, he started to worry and wonder about me – whether I will leave him too, how much he will missed me, what will he do. As he tried to convey in his then limited vocabulary to me, I tried to conceal my tears even though my voice shook. I assured him that I will still be around for years to come. God knows how much I hope it will be true because I am to my children as they are to me the foundation of my life. Without my children, life is meaningless.

I told my son how much his grandad loved him. He always took my son wherever he went – whether to the park, the clinic (my dad worked part-time), the pet shop, the market or to the bridge so that my son can watched the fishes swimmed in the river. My younger son missed out on all these precious memories because he was too young when my dad passed on.

A daughter never ceased to miss her dad even as the years rolled by. Never a day passed by without me having a quiet moment thinking of my dad even if it is just a brief one. I am truly lucky to have such a caring dad until I became a mom myself. A dad who placed his family above self. A true gem of a dad…

I read this recently “Separation is the law of earth – reunion is the law of heaven”. This will served to comfort those who lost their loved ones. While still reminiscing about my dad during the drive home, my younger son brought us back to earth by declaring “Are we going to talk about families during the whole journey?”. Well, that kind of broke the spell and we were back on our usual self – talking and chit-chatting about whatever that comes to mind…

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Today was the day for my younger boy’s follow-up visit to the specialist for his arthritis. People do a double take when they heard this. I mean, arthritis is for elderly people, right? WRONG..

We waited for around 2 hours before the child specialist arrived. Lots of people wandering about in masks due to H1N1 including me and my boy. While waiting, a young mum and her two month old baby sat next to me and boy, was she (I think) cute. She laughed so easily and was so responsive. Really, really adorable. When her mum cooed at her, she gurgled with laughter and seemed to answer back. What a sweetheart!

Finally our turn to see the doctor. My son’s joints still inflammed and thus was precribed mild steriods together with the usual medicine. Poor boy! Just when I thought the last course of medication was finishing, here we have a new batch plus additional medicine again.

And we got to go again for a follow-up visit again. Sigh!

Will he grow out of this ailment when he gets bigger? Or will he have to endure this until God knows when?

I just prayed he will get well soon.

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It is a topic that no mom wants to think about. Yet, sometime reluctantly I do. There is no choice. With my dad no longer around and my mom getting on in age and with no siblings to boot, what choice do I have? No close relatives too. This is the time I feel trapped, depressed and desperate.

Who can I appoint as their guardian? There is no qualified person that I know off. I dread to think what will happened to my children should any unexpected calamity happened to me. They will be devastated because they are very close to me. And so very young. Will they plunged into the depths of despair and turn into ill-adjusted adults due to lack of love and guidance? I shudder to think.

I pray that my children will always be well-loved and well taken care off.

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I used to depend a lot on people especially on my dearly departed dad. His favourite quote was God Help Those Who Help Themselves. Being  an introvert and not a very socially inclined person, I tend to keep to myself.

A personal crisis woke me up and now I do everything myself. I learned the hard way and still going through the learning process. Life is tough, demanding and really there is no time to smell the roses along the way. I just have to enter the rat race in the morning to earn my keeps and later tend to my children and household. What quality of life is there?

I am still thankful for good health for all those close to me. Despite the adversity I faced and life’s challenges along the way, I still count my blessings in every single way.

Take care.

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I learned that love is fickle, fictitious and an illusion between man and woman. Call me cynical if you want but love for God and love between parents and children are only the real and permanent love. Oh yes, almost forgotten about animal love. I have read inspiring and moving stories by pets.

This coming from a free thinker like me. I do go to church but have not been baptised yet. Yet I think spiritual love is more dependable and love by parents for children or love by children for their parents are more deep and satisfying than anything else. The bond is unbreakable. There are heartbreaking stories about dysfunctional families though.

It does not hurt to dream. We can always dream of finding true love and that our soulmate is somewhere out there.

Well, I have stopped dreaming along the line and hit reality with a sore bum.

Maybe in my next life, I will dream. Meanwhile, I faced life realistically.

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