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Posts Tagged ‘thoughts’

A week or so ago, a pretty little greyish pigeon appeared outside my doorway. Upon closer inspection, I found a tiny egg. Why, the dear bird is a mum. I noticed that she never flew as one wing drooped towards the ground. Soon I got used to her routine. By day, she will be on the right corner of my house amidst the broom and dustpan and by night, she will be nestling her egg beside my doorway oblivious to my comings and goings. Or perhaps she had to choice but to stay put for her egg’s sake.

I must say that I had gotten used to her presence so much so that I had taken to feeding her with rice every morning and even put a mug of water for her. Why, she even took to looking out for me and will come near me when I scatter the rice! Later I noticed a brown pigeon hovering nearby. Hmm, her better half I imagine.

Until that fateful day where I scrubbed the floor as I could not stand the bird droppings. She quickly hurried to her egg while I washed the floor. I did not washed the part where her egg was as I did not want to disturb that area. Unfortunately I must have frightened her as later in the night, she was no longer with her egg. She was nowhere to be found.

I could not believe how crushed and sad I felt upon the realization that she was gone. Yes, the next day I still put some rice in the hope she will appear but she did not come. Instead, the rice was eaten up by some sparrows. Darn, how could I have gotten so fond of some nameless winged feathered creature? Why did I have to washed the blasted floor and in the process frightened her off? The thought strike me that maybe she could have left for some other unknown reason. I just feel so bad when I see the solitary egg by my doorway.

I hope she will come back. Till then, I wish her well for she had to leave her egg behind.

Note to self : Stop being such a softie at heart.

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It’s been ages since I went on a holiday. Last week I took leave and the four of us including my two boys went to Melaka (known as Malacca in the olden days during colonial times). Melaka has been listed in the UNESCO World Heritage Cities.

First, the Portuguese conquered Malacca, then the Dutch and later the British Empire. That is why there are a lot of rich cultural remmants of the glorious past. It was our first trip to this part of Malaysia. Apart from getting lost during the drive and moving around in circles, it was a marvellous holiday. No one lost their temper which is an achievement itself. We had a grand time.

We checked into a hotel that was in the heart of historical sites and shopping malls. This saved us from driving. I could not wait to explore the famous Jonker’s Street and I was not disappointed. The buildings are beautifully restored and the elaborate carvings on the walls and pillars are a sight to behold. The streets are full of shops selling souveniers, antiques, clothes and food unique to this state. Such rich baba-nyonya heritage.

The Maritime Museum
We entered ‘Flora De La Mar’, the Portuguese ship that sank off the Coast of Malacca now in the form of Maritime Museum. There is choc full of histories of the Portuguese, Dutch and British era. However I was too busy taking photos of my sons to really appreciate the historical impact. I was not much of a history buff during my school days. I do love to read historical romance but that is besides the point here.

We search in vain in our car for the Portuguese settlement and finally had to concede defeat. We walked to the replica of the Melaka Sultanate Palace and to our dismay it was closed. Sigh! I had wanted to walk along the corridors and imagine myself as a Malay princess of the golden era.

I definitely had to visit St. Paul’s Church which had been turned into burial ground for the dead by the Dutch. The huge tombstones with incriptions were all around the walls. Superstition aside, I took photos again. I’m such a shutterbug. Do not ask me anything technical as I take just for the love of capturing the moments for memories sake. The Stadthuys was also on our walking trail.

We went on a Melaka River Cruise and bought tickets which enabled us to leave the boat anywhere and anytime. When we are satisfied with seeing the destination, we just wait at the jetty and hitch a ride to the next destination for free.


I had to explore on my own and found some lovely temples. Melaka is famous for their Satay Celup, Chicken Ball Rice, kuih-muih and Nyonya food. I bought back some for family back home to have a taste.

It was time to leave. Reality was waiting for me. With reluctance, we bid farewell to lovely and quaint Melaka.It was a marvellous holiday. I hope one day my boys will look back and remember the wonderful memories spent there. Cheers.

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In human beings managing the church, that is. After years of attending church, I finally decided to be baptised this Christmas. The reason for the delay and hesitation is due to language barrier. One recent fine Saturday morning, I drove and waited outside the church gates until the pastor arrived. I voiced my reservations whether it will be problematic if I attended English classes but baptised in the Mandarin session. He laughed at my worries and said, whatever language, we are all under the same roof. My reservations melted and I looked forward to the phone call later informing me when my classes will start.

Just to explain, my mum attended the Mandarin session and I followed suit. During the sermons, I read my own English bible given by a good friend while the pastor addressed the rest.  My poor boys stood out like a sore thumb as they too unable to communicate with the rest of the children. We are there at the church faithfully every Sunday so that we can be by my mum. My beloved dad is at rest in Heaven.

The phone call came. Another pastor informed me that the management decided that it is not possible for me to attend English classes and be baptised and continue attending the Mandarin session later on. It seemed it is a conflict to do so. To put it simply, he explained that this is to avoid a situation where I will be ‘grabbed’ by either session. Further conversation on the phone became a blur. I simply could not believe my ears.  My faith was shaken there and then. I teared up just thinking about it. Instead of being encouraged and feeling welcome, I was…..

Today is Sunday and here again at church. This time I looked at all with different eyes. The ones I looked up to, the ones I though had wisdom, I felt let down and rejected by the very church I had been attending. When the time for Holy Communion came, I left and sat in my car. I could not bear to be there.

There is a church in my neighbourhood. Shall I attend to see whether I belong there? But my mum….

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Finally the day came when we packed our bags into two cars and shoot off to the Pearl Of  The Orient (Penang). I was exceptionally nervous because this is the first time I am driving long distance and five lives depended on me ie my mom-in-law, dad-in-law, my two sons and of course my own life! I had to follow my bro-in-law’s car since I have no clue as to the directions. Some people are just born without radars!

Thanks to my Penang bro-in-law we had good reason to drive down. Meeting for the first time and dinner with his future in-laws. Oh yes, he’s ending his bachelor days in September soon. We can hardly wait for the church wedding to see the dashing groom and his blushing bride. I am such a romantic softie at heart.

The journey there went smoothly. We had our lunch and I very wisely ordered Fried Kuay Teow (after all, this is one of the dish Penang is famous for!). My dish was up to my expectations but the rest of them were let down by the Kuay Teow soup (tsk! tsk! this is what Ipoh is famous for, not Penang!). Our stomachs filled and off we went to Kek Lok Si Temple. It’s been years since I went. Previous I walked up but this time with the gang, we drove up. Knowing my driving limitations, luckily I asked my bro-in-law to drive as the ride up was steep and narrow.

Oh! The view was breathtaking. Even the slight drizzle did not dampen our enthusiasm. My camera had a life of its own. What a terrific time we had taking photos! There were so many tourists around. The scenery was lovely with its statues in the garden. We took photo at the pavillion. Upon reaching the bottom of the hill, we decided to take the famous Penang laksa and boy, did it lived up to its name! Even though it was by the roadside, the tables were full. We went across the road and the service was quick. Aah, I was satisfied after having my bowl of steaming hot laksa. What would the trip be without eating the laksa! Pointless at least for me..

We reached my bro-in-law’s condominum and unpacked. I brought along my boys’ pillows to make them feel at home. Before we knew it, time for dinner with his in-laws. I have never seen his girlfriend and I could hardly wait. It seem like such a long ride to the Chinese restaurant. Parking is horrendous in Penang. They were already there waiting for us. A slim, simple and beautiful girl was my first impression and brainy too from her profession. The dishes were generous in size. Luckily my dad-in-law’s talent for small talk came in handy. He can talked on any topic and to any stranger. The rest of us were slow to break the ice. My niece and nephew who came along, played with my boys while the adults chit-chat. An enjoyable meal all in all and ended with smiles everywhere. Whew! I was afraid the children misbehave but luckily my nightmare did not come true.

The next day searched for the island famous biscuits. I managed to buy for my mum who loves the biscuit. My mission accomplished. Breakfast was Prawn Hokkien noodles which was mouth-watering. The beach beckoned next. Travelling round the island took a lot of our time. My sons could hardly contained their excitement as our hometown do not have any beaches. The children had a grand splashing time. We worked up a good appetite for lunch and it was good old solid rice with dishes.  We decided to go back to the condomium so that the designated drivers (me and my bro-in-law) have a quick snooze. It was a pretty tiring but enjoyable day.

My boys were reluctant to leave but in the end, we bid farewells and the journey to home begun. The holiday rejuvenated my sagging spirits and I felt revitalised even though physically tired because I am the type who have trouble sleeping elsewhere. A five-star hotel room would have been wasted on me because I just need my own bed to sleep! Everyone should have a break now and then with their loved ones because only then we can have lovely memories and feelings to cherish!

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I hate festivals. And I waited with dread this coming Chinese New Year. I am not the type who socialise easily nor the type who can talk about anything under the sun. Small talk is alien to me. This is also probably due to the fact that not all is going well in my life. Oh, I am also kind of a private person so I shall not dwell on the difficulties of my personal life. Don’t get me wrong. I still find things to be grateful about.

What a surprise to find that I am having such great fun this festival. Yesterday was a glorious afternoon. Our lovely hostess and host did a wonderful job in setting up a reunion of old schoolmates of over 25 years in their mansion which I can only described as coming right out of a magazine cover! Faces whom I have not seen for more than 2 decades were there. Most of them looked hardly a day older. Of course if you scrutinized closer, you can see some find lines, grey hair (at least those not covered by dye!). Catching up with friends in a wonderful setting – truly the interior decoration was a feast for our eyes. Of course, the spread on the table was delicious too! All have become very successful in their own careers. High flyers actually..Though some have quit the rat race to focus on their families. I wish I could afford to do so! Sadly my pitiful state of finance forbids me..

Today I thought I was meeting with a couple of old schoolmates. And to my surprise, another reunion in an old schoolmate’s house. Today’s reunion was a different group of schoolmates. I must add that I could not recognized a couple of them but slowly my rusty brain started working and memories came flooding back. Oh yes, so some of them have added a couple of pounds but in the end, we started chatting and again time flew..

Well, tomorrow I am meeting another group of people but this group is in my current life – they are friends whom I have made in my working life and whom I kept in constant contact. I shall see whether with the earlier two reunions we shall keep in touch with each other as we have exchanged telephone numbers and email addresses. Due to our hectic working lives and family demands, there is no time for anything left…At least until the next reunion!

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I read an article called ‘Broken People’  today and I thought how appropriate – that kind of sounded like me. Now, I have always been rather cheerful in my posts but I cannot denied that there is part of me stayed broken inside.

Basically the article stated that when someone went through something terrible, the impact is enormous but he did not realised the implications or just shrugged it off. He lived through life as seemingly normal and functional human being but with a broken piece inside. The article also stated that we shrugged off life’s trial and tribulation pretending they have made us stronger, while in actual fact masking their inner turmoil with routine work and hectic lifestyles.

I am living the best I can with the emotional turmoil that I am facing. Life is bittersweet. Unfortunately it is more bitter at this point of my life. Still, I have a lot to be thankful for. I drawed a lot from my inner strength. No matter what positions we are in, there is someone who is facing an even greater struggle. Someone that we do not know or could be someone in our vicinity – if only we opened our hearts and minds.

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Life is tough. There’s no doubt about it. We sailed through obstacles and heartaches in our journey through life. But if we take the time to put things into perspective, there is always something to appreciate and give thanks for. There is a time in life whereby we should slow down and comtemplate where we are heading.

Ever since my beloved dad passed on five years ago from cancer, life has not been the same. He was my confidante, my source of strength and always a pillar of support. Ever the optimistic person, he can see the positive side of things. Life always seemed better with him around. Even as a child, I feared for the day when he leaves us. And of course, the day came sooner than expected. I might already have been a mother myself but still, nothing prepared me for the inevitable. Completely lost, devastated, alone, wondering how I am going to face life without my dad from then on..

My children are my balm in my darkest hour. They soothes my pain with their endearing ways and innocent joy. Naturally with joy there are also heartaches. Nothing pains me more than when my younger son wakes up crying in pain due to his arthritis (JRA/JIA). On the bright side, his juvenile arthritis is under control by medication so far.

My heart skipped a beat when my elder boy asked me with a brave but shaky voice whether I loved his brother more than him. How could he have such an idea? Perhaps I behaved more tenderly towards my younger boy because he is inflicted by pain daily. His pain is just a matter of severity. My words stumbled as I hasten to assure and comfort my elder boy that I loved them both wholeheartedly. I explained that the attention I gave to his brother is due to his condition and luckily he was very brave during the regular trips to hospital. My elder boy seem reassured by my words. I am just so thankful to have my boys in my life. They are loving and affectionate but boisterous when playing together despite the arthritis.

Recently I went to have a cancer test. Luckily it was not as painful as I expected. Even though I am not a Christian yet but my first thought was Praise The Lord, when the test cleared me of that particular cancer. I just felt so relieved and was like given a new lease of life. I just felt a new appreciation for life. I enjoyed more with my boys as I wanted to give them happy memories during their childhood days.

All in all, we should not take the blessings given to us for granted. The satisfaction derived from the pursuit of material things will not last long. Self-indulgence and satisfying own needs first are very common nowadays. It is so easy to lose our focus. I just prayed I have the strength to stay on course.

I do have my own insecurities and inadequacies but all in all, I am thankful for what I have. Just live the best we can for our time on earth will pass by.

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